Saturday, July 25, 2015

How I Felt: Positive Pregnancy Test after Stillborn.

Seeing those two little lines on a pregnancy test can do two things all at the one moment. Super excitement and absolute dread anxiety. Ever felt two polar opposite emotions all at one time. Not pendulum swinging between them, but simultaneously running hand in hand down the longest beach you've ever seen? 

Pregnant. I'm pregnant. Again. 5th pregnancy. 4th child. 3rd living child. So many categories to fit into. 

I've had a 12 week miscarriage, our first. A missed miscarriage, where your body goes on being pregnant even though it's stopped progressing. Joy of joys. Not. I needed a D&C. Pregnancy number 1: fail. 

Pregnancy number 2. Milla. Our precious first born, there is nothing like it. All the uncomfortableness of pregnancy, the swelling and carpel tunnel and nausea and labour and delivery- vanished in one split second. She was here. Our flower child, sweetness in existence, lush parcel of pink. 

Pregnancy number 3. Phoenix. Our beloved son. Came into the world like superman and hasn't stopped since. What a champion. An absolute heart melter with his little lispy "I love yous" and cuddles. A boys-boy who loves to fish, camp, and scooter around.  

Pregnancy number 4. Emme. Our planned and hoped for 3rd child. Our baby we waited to have at the perfect time. Our active little belly bump who never breathed a single breath of earthly air. Our precious fullterm stillborn. 

So I'm starting at these two little lines. What took you minutes to read about our journey took seconds to flash past my mind. 

{My minds ramblings go something like this}

So it's 50/50. Two died, two lived. 

It's amazing what looking at a pregnancy test can do to you....Anxiety, dread, excitement, hope... No if I hope I'll get hurt. But it's a new pregnancy it's completely different. But what if this baby dies too??

It's the unknown. It's ultimately knowing that I have no control over what happens next. It's daunting. It's scary. It's being blindfolded and pushed. 

I want be excited. But can I be excited without being hurt again? If I'm not as excited I can't get hurt as bad right? No it will suck either way. 

This baby deserves my desiring it to be here excitedly....

Seeing that pregnancy test is hard. And I had a good cry. Not because I didn't want to be. But that I had just been. I also didn't want to replace our little girl. I didn't want other people to replace our little girl. She has her place in our family just like the others. 

Here we go again. Relying on a faith that says God is ultimately in control. There's a season for everything.

My advice if you are looking at a positive pregnancy test after loss. Take one day at a time. You made it through today. Well done!! I have good days and bad days. Take the time to cry for what was. Have some support people around who will be excited with you and cry with you and help you practically. Talk to a councillor/physiologist. Have a good dr. If you have faith in God: Pray.